My pen pal at Bridgewater State Hospital occasionally sends me horrifyingly creative recipes for food that he makes from various ingredients scrounged from the canteen and whatever other dark sources he taps for these things. I've asked his permission to start sharing them, because seriously you guys, this stuff is gold.
Bear in mind that he earns 71.5 cents a day at his job (janitor and maintenance work) so when he makes things like this, it represents a week's wages or more.
Transcript, with spelling and grammar intact, although sadly I can't transcribe the illuminations:
"Brace you tummy Melanie!
Yesterday I made a "MOO Fungo" Heres the recipe: 1 bag of Cheez Doodles, 2 sleeves of ritz krackers. Ya crush them to a powder And mix them in in a chip bag then Add A little warm water. As the powder Hardens you a two Summer sausages (Diced up) And 2 packs of chicken Breast As you mix them iNto the Batter of chip\krackers, you flaten the Bag.
When the Batter Harden, you Then take Jalapeno squeeze cheese and spread it atop the Hardene rectangle like icing.
Now you Divide it (4 slices for 4 People) from there you Put Hot Chilli on top of each slice.
And if the Sun is shineing And the oceans Tide are Juuuust right,
Ya put Ranch Dressing
If you don't think that's awesome, then I can't help you.